last shall be first...

i've never quite understood the fascination with lotteries.

until now.

last night, i entered into a lottery to win front row seats to see wicked in new york city. for $25! that's a $100+ orchestra seat for $25! arrogantly, i thought i had a decent chance to win (although the other 60 people might beg to differ). i have no idea why i thought i was going to win; i just thought, "well, i showed up, i followed my friend's strategy (throw your name in the middle of the pack), and voila! out comes a ticket to sold-out broadway show."

i must admit, once the names started getting called, it was pretty exciting. some people were so casual about it all - "here! yes, that's me." one lady was on the phone and started shouting, "honey, i won! i won!" and really, i liked her from the moment i saw her chasing her toddler around and playing with him vs. scolding him to be quiet. so, i was glad she won.

waiting, waiting, certain my name would be called. after 12 names, i lost. incredulous! inconceivable! what made it so bitter was the very person BEHIND me in line won! and she had already seen it! hrumph! life is unfair.

once i got over the madness of the loss, i realized what an absolute amazing, unheard of thing this is. what kind of art performance gives the best seats in a lottery to last minute show-goers? it's art for the regular people. it's art that you could afford if you saved up a little every week from your paycheck. may i even call it justice, or the last shall be first?

there's something appealing about a system like this, where there is opportunity for everyone.

if only i had won. but i'll be back again.

am i who i think i am?

i had the bizarre experience of having someone rock the boat - my boat, that is. have you ever felt stable and settled, and then all of a sudden, have the glasses and dishes shatter on the floor? it's a very off-kilter but not unwelcome feeling. what if this begins to explain my miniature crisis? praise the Lord if it does. funny how an outsider can just slide the angle and begin to make sense of the chaos.

i keep talking about how there are all these puzzle pieces floating around, dancing above my head. how will they find their fit?

am i who i think i am?

in the now

God is teaching me to be present. It's amazing how easy one can speed off into nostalgia of the past or mental meanderings of the future - one could get stuck in rewind or fast forward with no VCR needed. i'm making friends with the present. and someone who helps me is my mom. she has a knack for enjoying the moment. she's visiting my brother and their expanded family (+1 to their brood). the ever focused educational monster she is, my mom is teaching my niece addition. sidenote: my mom is also exercising her brain by taking counseling classes at a seminary back home. an example of a recent phone conversation:

me: how's it going with hannah?
mom: oh good, i'm teaching her addition.
me: that's cool, mom. is she picking it up?
mom: (chuckling) yes, she's pretty good. but you know what? i sometimes say "addiction" instead of addition.

hope my niece doesn't go to school calling 2+2 "addiction."